Protein Sex Salad*

*results not guaranteed.

Kristin claims to have made a salad that will induce orgasm!  I'm certainly intrigued but I haven't have time to make it yet!!  You single kids, get to cooking and let me know  ;)

I'm a huge fan of Google image.  My "Sex Salad" search returned some fabulous images, but this was the very sexiest and saladiest!!

No need to thank me. The mental image of all my friends eating vegan salad and writhing in ecstasy while trying to picture anything BUT Richard Simmons nude in veggies...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh more than thanks enough.


Protein Sex Salad
1 cup brown rice
1 can black beans
2 Quorn chik'n cutlets chopped (I will sub a vegan brand, probably Gardein)
Yumm sauce
huge squirt of cock sauce

Mix all up and dump over a bunch of wild greens.
Die happy!

Yuck.

I heard an interesting comment a while back, "If you're more afraid of al-Qaida than heart disease, you're not paying attention."  No kidding. Check this out...borrowed from Happy Herbivore's blog.  You might not be a fat, gluttonous pile of shit, but odds are you know a LOT of them and they're starting younger all the time.

Let them eat rum cake!

RUM CAKES!!!!  Yum!!  I took a pansy-ass recipe and made it more potent, because no one wants to waste time and calories on a rum cake only to find that you are still able to drive or say the alphabet!

First, make your favorite vanilla cake recipe.  I use the one from Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World and you can find it here.  I double the recipe and I use about 14 of the cupcakes for rum cakes and leave the rest for the kids.  They need something to eat while Mom passes out with rum glaze running down her cheek.  Arrange the cupcakes in two shallow cake or pie pans, about six or seven per pan. Poke about five holes in each one and then pour your slightly-cooled rum glaze over the top (half in each pan).

Rum Glaze

1-1/2 cups dark rum (I use Sailor Jerry’s)

1-1/4 cups granulated sugar

1 Tablespoon vanilla extract

¼ cup margarine (Earth Balance)

In a small saucepan, bring rum and sugar to a simmer over medium heat.  Simmer for one minute, reduce the heat to low and stir for another two minutes. Remove from heat and add remaining ingredients.

When they are all the way cool, top with some buttercream frosting:

Vegan (No) Buttercream

½ cup of nonhydrogenated shortening

½ cup of vegan margarine (Earth Balance)

3-1/2 cups of powdered sugar

1-1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

¼ cup of non-dairy milk of choice

Beat the shortening and margarine until fluffy. Add the sugar and beat three more minutes. Add the vanilla and soy  milk and beat another five minutes, until fluffy and pretty!

I made these for Kristin and Coral and Jonathan's birthday. Kristin provided the following pics and story:

"Just FYI.... I ate 1/2 of my cup cake and left the rest till I said hi to everybody.  Next thing I know, all the cup cakes are gone and Brad was licking his fingers."

Enjoy!

Food Fight!!!!

As the veg lifestyle increases in popularity, so do the food options.  When I gave up meat in high school, I was still eating Mom food and felt no pain (she was a granola girl in the 70’s and made us a lot of stuff that was already vegetarian).  In college I was dirt fucking poor and lived off of cheap and healthy things like falafel and veggie sandwiches!  I relied very little on processed foods because there just wasn’t much for vegetarians.  But NOW, oh man…it’s a vegan junk food paradise out there. Pizzas, candy bars, ice cream, chips, dips, cheesy stuff.  Fred Meyer has an increasingly good selection of vegan items, and of course Whole Foods and stores of that sort carry a wide array, but my favorite store is Food Fight.  It’s an ALL vegan grocery store in Portland and it is huge fun to shop there. I don’t HAVE to read every label, which is so very very nice.  I also love supporting a store that promotes my ideals.  We are firm believers in voting with your dollars.  It’s part of a vegan mini-mall located at SE Stark and 12th, so after you shop at Food Fight you can go the amazing Sweetpea Baking Company for some lunch and a treat ( I recommend The Higgins sandwich!), Herbivore Clothing for something cool to wear (buy me the Hail Seitan shirt and I will love you forever!) and get a tattoo at Scapegoat Tattoo Co., an all-vegan tattoo shop!

I have been trying super hard to eat well (Summerween is coming, you know...) and Food Fight has been torturing me with emails about new products like peanut butter cups and caramels.  Grrrrr.  If you make the trip to Food Fight, here are some items I ALWAYS pick up:

Butler Soy Curls:  Ugly little dried bits...you soak them in water, they plump up into meaty little strips that you can saute with spices and sauces to achieve any flavor you desire!

Nacho Mom's Vegan Queso:  This cheezy dip is amazingly good!  The ingredients are simple and natural and I think the entire jar is like 170 calories, so even if you "pigged" out and ate the whole thing, you're still way ahead of the cholesterol-filled dairy game.

Cafe Yumm's Yumm Sauce:  We get the chipotle. It's too good for words.  Great on sandwiches, as a dip, straight out of the jar :)  

WayFare We Can't Say It's Cheese Spreads:  They are all great but the Hickory Cheddar is our favorite.  It makes an excellent grilled cheese and it's made from nuts!  Again, big F.U. to artery-clogging dairy.

Tofurky Pizzas: Like the crappy frozen pizzas you loved as a child, but cruelty-free.  We usually some pineapple to the top of these and play some video games and drink sodas, whoooo!

Cowgirl Steaks from Viana:  These are just...made of magic, I don't know. We fry these up and eat them straight with gravy (that reminds me, you all need my recipe for Madeira wine gravy!) and potatoes and veggies, or on a roll as a sandwich.  

I find it hard to get over to Food Fight as often as I like, but I have found that I can order online (except the frozen and cold foods)  and I get my package the next business day for just about $5 in shipping!  Not bad when I need a Soy Curl and peanut butter cup fix :)

Pocket food for your belly!

I tried out the (obviously non-meat) Meat Pies from Weekly Vegan Menu.  I love this blog...everything turns out well and they are a family, so the recipes get kid tested!

The meat pies are fun little parsley biscuit wrapped pockets of yum!  They were a bit heavy on the dough for Brad and me, BUT the kids enjoyed them and it's always good to have a healthy little pocket meal that they can grab and cram in their face!  I added a little more salt and seasoning to the filling than they did, and I used Gimme Lean instead of Boca burger, but I'm sure any meat-ish substitute you like would work, or even just extra veggies.

In a non-meat pie related note...one of our vendors at work is super sweet and knows I'm vegan, so instead of bringing greasy doughnuts, he brings us Saint Cupcake cupcakes.  They always have a couple of vegan options, though they NEVER get creative with the vegan ones.  (If you are Saint Cupcake and you are reading this, I'm getting a little pissed off about only having chocolate and vanilla to choose from.)  My kids will eat anything with sugar in it (or just sugar...cut out the middle man), but NONE of them will eat the regular cupcakes from Saint Cupcake. They say the frosting makes their mouth feel gross.  I have to agree, I never liked their frosting much when I was vegetarian.  The vegan frosting however is friggin' awesome.  I highly recommend trying the vegan version if  you go!  You'll only have a couple of flavors to choose from, but on the bright side, it makes deciding which one to get so much easier.

What's creamy and golden and disappearing rapidly?!

I finally decided to serve something more creative than burritos last night and I made not one but TWO new recipes!!

First, the Cashew Cream Sauce with Sun Dried Tomatoes from Our Veggie Kitchen blog.  The sauce looks deliciously creamy and thick in their photo, but mine was SUPER watery. I don’t know if they really intended to say “add 3 cups of boiling water”, but the next time I make this I will cut it down to probably 1-1/2 cups of water.  By the time you add the can of un-drained tomatoes, it’s just way too much liquid.  To compensate, I added twice the indicated amounts of lemon juice, seasoning, and sun dried tomatoes.  It did turn out well…the kids loved it but it was a wee bland for Brad.  I think it will be a lot more flavorful when I make it with less water.

I also made the Crispy Golden Tofu from Vegan Dad’s blog and THAT was amazing!!!!!!!!  The last time I was dragged to Winco, I stocked up on some really firm tofu and froze it.  It is not remotely wobbly (because I hate wobbly foods. If it resembles jell-o or pudding, I will spit it back at you.), and it had an excellent, chewy texture after freezing and thawing it.  The mustard and hot sauce made for a super good flavor and I dipped it in some raspberry chipotle sauce!  I made them last night (and even my tofu-hater daughter ate some), but this pic is my mid-morning snack, so it’s not looking terribly photogenic anymore.  My carrot is hot though, eh?!  I’ll be making this again, but not TOO often because even healthy foods will stick to your fat ass when fried.

Weeping tiger, hidden bakery

I’ve been sick and busy so I haven’t cooked much lately.  Brad made his super delicious Noodle Meal on Monday night and he and I ate it ALL.  I’m more of a naked food person, so he’s the sauce master in our house.  I call him in to sauce our veggie burgers and noodles, etc.  I’ll have him share his Noodle Meal recipe and its million variations soon!

In keeping with my “no cooking” theme, we went out for lunch on Sunday to Bye and Bye on Alberta, an all vegan bar.  The food menu is limited but everything I’ve tried has been excellent!  Brad had the BBQ platter; it comes with yummy BBQ tofu, black-eyed peas, collard greens and a delicious, crispy toasted baguette.  He has had and enjoyed the Weeping Tiger sandwich before, but it is REALLY really spicy.  You think you’re more bad ass than a tiger, fool?!  I had the Meatball Sub and it was so good, I only intended to eat half and save half like a proper dainty girl.  I then picked at my “saving” half until it too was gone. I didn’t feel so dainty but I was pretty full and happy with myself.  My favorite thing about the sub…they used a delicious almond-oat cheese spread on the baguette and it was PERFECT. I’m not a huge fan of vegan cheeses that try and replicate actual cheese. They tend to have a texture that I can’t handle. The almond-oat cheese tasted perfect and didn’t make me gag once!

But let’s cut to the chase…the drinks are YUMMY, especially the Bye and Bye. It has peach infused vodka and bourbon, cranberry juice, and lemon. You can care for your bladder while you destroy your liver!  I took a picture of it to make Kristin thirsty. Now I torture you, too.

Back to Eden, the vegan bakery, is not walking distance from Bye and Bye. Or not on a yucky April day, anyway.  We drove up there (you have to keep your eyes peeled if you’re driving, it’s tiny and easy to miss) and I bounced around in front of the counter while the nice man made me a dish of chocolate soft-serve with caramel sauce and Dandies marshmallows, YUM!  Brad had a peanut butter shake and no one ended up wearing it so it must have been good!

Alberta, I love you and I will be back…and not only when I’m sick and lazy.